We all have those milestones to be reached. And with that goals that go with it. Shortly after my husband, Chris, and I got married, we set up a plan. For the next year. Five years. And ten years. I couldn't even tell you where that piece of paper is now, that we wrote all of this down on. Chris might. He's very organized. Anyhow, I cannot recall everything on that list, but I do remember some things. Chris lovingly laughed at one of my first year's goals of "completing our Crate & Barrel dinner set". I chuckled, but said defensively, "What?! It is a goal that I would like to have by the end of the year, if we can." How silly that seems now. But, it is where I was in life. I do remember writing up a "plan" as to how we could have four children before I turned 35.
It would work like clock-work. We would become pregnant immediately. Which we sort of did. About two months after we got married. Then I would nurse our baby until six months. Then he or she would easily and naturally wean, and we would get pregnant quickly again. And this trend would continue until I turned 35. And we would have our four children. Well, this goal was met. Though the plan did not carry out exactly as I thought it would. I remember saying this to our doctor in our follow-up appointment this past March. She knows that I like to plan. Most people do, I think. At least to some extent.
So, as I look at this day fast approaching. This Friday. The day that I will turn 35. I look at it with happiness. But also sadness. I know in my head, that I have four children. I did reach my "goal". It certainly did not turn out the way that I would have liked, or thought that it would. But, regardless. I reached it. Someone hearing that may think that is hard to believe. And while another walking down the street will only see our two boys with us. And not fully see the whole picture of our lives.
Anyhow, I am getting sidetracked with a story I have for another day.
My point is, we all have different ages that we approach with hope. Curiosity. Apprehension. Uncertainty. And well, 35 was it for me. I have learned two great lessons that I did not have in my plan. First, I have learned that one of the greatest feelings in the world is becoming a mother. That is something that I do not take for granted. That love. Love is one of the greatest feelings in the world. For as long as man, or women, can remember, we talk about it. Write about it. Sing about it. I could go on and on. That love for your children as well. I feel this great love for our two boys here. And I feel that great love for our two babies above. So, is it a wonder why my heart still hurts? And probably always will to some level? I loved. I love. And always will. And that is okay. Second, I have learned that I tried to plan out and control these last five years. And have them "go" the way I envisioned them. They have to some level. But they also haven't. I have learned a bigger lesson - some things are out of our control. They just are. And we do not have the answers to the why.
I thank God for all that I do have, as I approach this milestone of a birthday. I have my health, as far as I know. A wonderful husband. Two great boys here on earth. And our two babies awaiting us someday. I am sad, but I am happy. Happy 35th Birthday to me.
Oh, and yes. I did complete that Crate & Barrel dinner set by the end of that first year. Still have it. With some chips in it here and there that of course I did not plan on. I guess nothing stays unchallenged in life, or looks the same over the years. And that is just life. Some of us have more pain and suffering in life, and we do not know why. It is just the way it is, our priest told us the day we met to talk about the loss of our baby boy, as he was still in my tummy. "That is just the way it is, and I do not know why," our almost 90 year-old priest told us in those quiet and (still) bewildering hours.
Posted on April 21, 2014
by Anne Morrison