Not Getting it Right

Not Getting it Right

So, this is the time of the year that Emily and Michael's due dates appear. July 27th and August 5th. But this year, I got one mixed up. Michael's. I thought it was August 2nd for some reason. I had it on the calendar as that. I even went to his grave, and put a blue hydrangea down on his headstone that day. How could I forget? And get this mixed up? I had to go onto my blog here, to remember and confirm when his due date was. August 5th. Oh man. 

We are three years out from Michael's due date and four years with Emily's. I am learning to be okay with being confused or mixed up with certain dates. Time does help heal. So does counseling, and being with others who have walked a similar path in life. I was just at the hospital recently where I was when I learned of Emily's death. The set-up of the hospital has changed a bit. Where I sat and ate a croissant sandwich as I awaited my ultrasound appointment since my OBGYN could not find a heartbeat, has become an area where people can pay their garage parking fees. The high top tables and chairs have been moved to the other side of the room. I'm glad that things are not the same. And I am glad that I am not in the same place with my grieving. 

I am learning to be okay with not remembering every last detail during those years - 2013 and 2014. Sometimes I wonder how I got through those days, those weeks and months. I did. With prayer. With others. I definitely could not have done it alone. Maybe it is a blessing that I do not remember things quite as well as I did in the past. That I get things mixed up. That I could not truly remember Michael's due date. 

I am learning to be more in the present. I think life's circumstances and challenges, and difficult times teach you that. That you are not looking too far ahead, or leaning too far backwards to see what is behind you. That you are taking an hour, a day at a time. I think meditation helps with that too. I do not do that nearly as often as I would like. But I can remember very easily how I mediate with my counselor, and can close my eyes (even briefly), or do some different breathing exercises, pretty much anywhere. And it helps calm me, and be more present. 

So, here I am. Saturday, August 5, 2017. Learning to be more present. Being more okay with not getting it "right" and remembering everything. Those dates I thought I would always have right. It's okay. The important thing is, is that I remember. I will never forget Emily and Michael. And I'd like to think, they know that. And that's what really matters. 

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