So I wanted to clarify something that I said in my one of last posts, so that it wasn't misunderstood. I am in no way saying that the loss of a marriage is the same as the loss of a baby. I have had people try to compare my loss, or losses, to other things. And that stings. Like what I went through wasn't "all that bad". It's bad. Believe me. I went to bed last night whispering to the skies, "I miss you Emily and Michael. And I don't understand why all of this happened. I wish I could have you here." I am crying as I type this.
I know of a woman, who has had two losses. After each of her losses, she got her rainbow babies. Her losses were many years ago, but they stay with her. Recently, though, she lost her husband. He died. So, now she said it is hard going to those anniversary parties. Celebrating those milestones. The 25th, the 30th. The 40th, 50th. And sometimes even, the 60th and beyond. She said that she watches all of the couples at these gatherings, and those celebrating, and it's hard. She didn't get that.
Again, I am not comparing, and saying that losing a baby is like losing a spouse. But, if you can imagine this woman, sitting at these parties. Do you have any idea as to what is going on in her head? Maybe. Now think of that mother that has lost her baby, and is sitting at somebody else's baby shower. Can you imagine what is going on in her head? And usually, nobody says anything. So, she suffers in silence. And tries to smile for the one that gets to keep her baby.
You could say that the woman that lost her husband could remarry. Sure. But, it wouldn't be him. Or if a woman divorced. She had these dreams that she would have her fairy-tale story on her wedding day. But then her husband leaves her. And she is left with an end to her dreams. She could remarry, but it's still not the same. Just as if you are able to, get enough courage to try and get pregnant again. And God-willing, you get your rainbow baby. It's not the same. That baby is not your other baby. Yes, bringing in another life, in any of these scenarios is exciting and promising. But, it's not the same. As what you envisioned. Loss of dreams.
I will say that with all of these scenarios, it is easier for others to talk about the losses in general except loss of a baby. It's like this "secret society" that those that have lost a baby belong to. You may not even know. I was surprised and comforted, when we lost our first time with Emily. People would come forward to talk about how they had lost. And it felt good not to feel so alone. But, I have had others secretly tell me about their losses. And I feel honored and privileged that they trust me, and want to tell their stories. But I also feel bad. That we have to walk around in silence, so that we do not make others feel uncomfortable. You're just not supposed to talk about it. You can talk about the loss of a spouse, grandparent, or parent more easily. But, there is something different about losing a baby. The silence. And then you are forced to suffer even more. In silence.
Posted on May 27, 2014
by Anne Morrison